Kidoworld 31

完全不想把这一件事留下来。
不想它在日记里出现。
那将会是，无论什么时候都会让人心痛的日记。

你凭什么把自己说的那么喜欢我，然后我辜负了你？
你和那些人有什么分别？
分散投资？
恭喜你，投资有道。
然后再恭喜你，别的投资，虽然你不在打理，还是在慢慢增长着。

我不会再相信以前是我对不起你。
我们都一样。
没有谁对不起谁。
只是刚好我选了你，你选了我。
只因我没开口。
只因他没开口。
你开了口，他没回应。
你开了口，我回应了。

我说过，以前的事，没有必要，也没有权利去管。
所以，你没错，我也不会再觉得自己有错。

我不想再背负所有的错了。

Kidoworld 30

Things can never be fair.
And I never asked for, or wanted things to be fair.

I don't mind giving more, I don't mind getting less.
I know the pressure's too much.

And then you let me know the only thing that is not good enough about me is that I'm not a guy.
And you let me know that if I were a guy, you would've let your friends know about us already.
And you told me how they pressured you, to let your friends know.
And you regret to let them know about us.
And you wanted to break up with me cause your friend almost found out about us.
And you were relieved when the friend thought I was a guy.
And you told me I don't know the pressure you're in.

You love me.
But you don't love me enough.
You don't love me enough to fight the pressure.
You don't love me when you're pressured.
You don't love me at all when you're pressured.
You regret about us.
You somehow wished we never started.
You somehow hoped that I never asked.
You somehow wished that none of these happened.

I didn't want things to be fair.
But what do you expect me to say, when you let me know about all those things?

Kidoworld 29

其实，你很害怕，对吗？ 不安？ 担心？ 怕伤害我，怕别人知道，怕…… 愚蠢的我，总是被骗。 为什么不能，好好的告诉我一次？

Kidoworld 28

或许真的被伤过了，被伤透了，对爱情产生了恐惧。 虽然不再奋不顾身地爱，但还是免不了义无反顾地爱。 是我的错吗？ 又爱错了吗？ 很希望可以像从前一样，盲目地相信。 我承认，已经不能那样了。 我害怕了。 始终害怕再被伤害。 那一份放不开的爱，是我的，还是他的？ 如果是我的，放不开我的爱，只因为，我对你好，而你……不忍心？ 好痛苦。 你的挣扎，到底是为了谁？ 你爱我，我知道。 我不知道的，我想知道的，是你，爱不爱他？

Kidoworld 27

上个星期，发生了两件……很奇怪的事。
并不是那么特别，只是发生在我身上，有点不知所措。

两次，我并没有抗拒，没有像以前的我那样，清楚明白地拒绝。
而且，还尝试给了机会。

我想，大概真的是一时冲动。
但那冲动，让我有点闷闷不乐。
虽然没发生什么大事，但就这样，像是豪不相干……好奇怪。

人怎么会那样？
就算我回答“有”，结果难道会不一样吗？
已经这样了，还不够吗？

Kidoworld 23

大概，在爱情游戏里，都只会是输家。
输得更彻底的是，她从来没参与这场游戏。

可以陪你疯、陪你闹。
但永远不会成为那个，在你面前称赞他的那个人。
是很自私。
因为知道，这一种朋友，永远只会是朋友。

那一个晚上，呆在房里，躺在床上，就这样过了一晚。
眼睁睁看着一片黑暗，感觉时间慢慢流失。

人家说，等待是一件很漫长的事。
是很漫长，但总希望时间可以更慢一些、更长一些。

Kidoworld 22

Nervousness, anxiety..are among the symptoms of hyperthyroid.
That explains my...weird actions/thoughts recently?
It sucks to get sick.

I just gotta get up to my game again.
Gonna work hard.

I'm living my life now, like a single person should.
Hangout with friends, meet new people.

I just get so annoyed by certain people.
Please just stop being ridiculous already.

I wonder if I'd still say this after a month.
I miss you. Haha.

我会常常让自己空出一些时间来。
或许听起来很浪费时间，我也不是不知道。
只是我更知道当要找一个人，却怎么也找不到的时候，那种痛苦的感觉。
只想在我能力范围以内，让别人不会感受到这种痛苦。
因为我知道，真的好难受。

Kidoworld 20

I took out all the stuffs I have and looked through them, the stuffs about us, that I have, that is left.

This would be the last time.
Gonna keep the stuffs away.
Thank you so much.
I'm moving on.
Goodbye. :)

Kidoworld 19

曾经不止一个人对我说过，一段感情，要像钓鱼一样，拉一下，放一下。
无止尽的对一个人好，是小孩子做的事。
大人，总是会利用身边这样的一个人。

我，是小孩子。
还是搞不懂，为什么不可以对自己喜欢的人好。
这样的性格，真的很吃亏。

我，学不会。
很多人都说我，总是长不大。
这样的我，你不可能看不出。

别人对我说，放一下。
如果你也放了，就大家一起放了。

我认了。
也不由得我不认。
我懂，这世界没有唯一的那个人。

该怎么变得比较成熟？
没有结果的话，倒不如不说。
你不要一直骗我。我不会分辨你说的话是真是假。哈哈！
我以后不挖苦你了，好不好？:)

Kidoworld 18

Sometimes I just wish everyone's life would be better, with less trouble.
Trouble being me, and life is just...life.

And I wish I could live, without being other people's trouble.
Everything sucks when you're the one who's making people's life hard.
The worst part of it, you knew about it yourself.

Kidoworld 17

人家说，时间是最好的解药。
过了好久，还不能完全认同。

时间没有让我把她忘了，更没让我把她放下。
与其把责任推给时间，不如说，记性太差了。

只要一次，就能让一个人懂很多。
不是忘记了，只是习惯了。
习惯了寂寞，习惯了伤心，习惯了想念她，习惯了需要她。
寂寞了好久，伤心了好久，很想念，很需要。
时间久了，终于明白，再寂寞、再伤心、再想念、再需要，得不到，也就只是这样。
然后慢慢地习惯……终于，麻木了。

同一个故事说太多遍，任何人都会觉得闷。
所以时间久了，也不太提起。
然后，大家都以为忘记了。
就这样，大家都说时间是最好的解药。
其实，正好向反。时间，才是最残酷的毒药。

Kidoworld 15

今天突然在电话里发现了一个。。。东西。
我都忘了原来我做了这种事。
重复的看了几次,越看越不开心。
我竟然曾经放纵我自己,放任我自己。
好讨厌,好恨!

到底是怎么了?
难过不是一种借口。
玩更不是借口。
忘我也不能。
控制不到,更不可能。

我根本不喜欢这样玩,也不想这样玩。
原以为我只想玩。
但,不是这样玩。
我其实是很不喜欢的。

要解脱,要逃避,不应该是这样。
要忘记,应该有别的方法。
不可以这样。
会被讨厌。会被讨厌。会被讨厌。
好讨厌,好恨,好生气。。。好难过。

Kidoworld 14

不是已经走出去了吗？
不是已经不再回头了吗？
那个时候就已知道，两个人的差距只会越来越远。
最先看到那个改变的，不就是自己吗？
明白了改变的事实，那一刻，再三地告诉自己，她，变了。

不再是你熟悉的那个人。
不再是你认识的那个人。
也许有一天，会变成不再是你爱着的那个人。

那一天，真的来了。
她，变了。
我爱她，但她已不在了。
我爱着的人，我深爱的人，我爱过的人，在我面前的这个人，她，到底是谁。
我还爱着她，但是，她，不是这个人。

不是喜欢上了另一个人吗？
怎么会为了这一个，我深爱过的“她”，已经不在了的“她”……
我喜欢的另一个人，我喜欢的那个人，我喜欢的人，不应该是让我伤心的人。

Kidoworld 13

As an Actuarial Science student, we learn about making estimations based on past experience, to predict the future outcome, the worst scenario, and take precautions if it happens.

So I only had 1 past experience, I wonder how people make estimation based on just 1 past experience. The sample size isn't random enough, can not reflect anything. It did show the worst outcome, that I was totally down in it and spent lots of my time living in it, and might possibly continue to live with it, till who knows when.

Perhaps there's some traits.
Well of course I knew some of them myself.
Yet I'm quite surprised that people actually realize too.

If the possibility is not 0, anything can happen.
So, I will not doubt the possibility.
0.01% perhaps.
I hope it doesn't happen.

Human are greedy.
Everything starts out as a spark. We expect spark to just go off in a short while, so we don't have much hopes. When the spark turns into flame, we hope it'll burn, burn longer. We hope that the flame would go on and on and never go off. We hope that the flame will burn everything, keep things hot and passionate. But it didn't. It stopped after a while. The only thing that got burnt was ourselves.

Burnt wound don't always heal completely. Sometimes they leave scars, scars that will always be there. We couldn't make the scars dissappear, we can only hope for someone who sees it, and accepts it.

Kidoworld 12

最近有点觉得，生活很空洞。
其实一直以来的生活都是如此。
可以说是自由、无拘无束，也可以说是漫无目标、浑浑噩噩。

上个星期，差点发疯了。
觉得生活欠缺了一些事情，缺少了一些，追寻的目标。

也许我应该离开都市生活几天，冷静一下。
就很突然的请了几天假，安排了一个人的旅行。
明天晚上就出发，希望回来后我会对生活有所改观。

我们见面了，说了一些话。
感觉上还不错。
就这样慢慢的，或许真的会好一点。

还有，也许单身太久，有点忘了有人在身边是什么感觉……哈哈
单身也不是不好，但也是时候学习和人相处了？
不过就像某人说的，我要喜欢人，还真是不容易。
也没很挑阿？哈哈
总有一天，我会遇到我喜欢的，另一个人。^^

Kidoworld 11

"Everyone should move on.
Since she already did and you don't think she's the one, what's there to wait for?"
Quoted from a friend.

And I answered:
"I'm just waiting for someone to talk me out of it, or the time to come."

She might not be the first one to tell me that.
Perhaps she's the one, perhaps the time has come.
And I made my first step.

No one asked what my first step was, or is.
She did. She told me to smile.
I like how things are so simple and how she don't know about anything.

My first step would never have come so soon if it wasn't for her, perhaps.
So I thanked her.

I made my first step.
I hope that things will get better.

There's just this one last thing I wanted to ask.
Have I not moved on all these years?

Kidoworld 10

At this point I'm like...oh shit...why do I always have to tell people about my things...and why did I have to cry in front of someone i barely know??!!!
Not once but twice!! Damn it!
Now I look like a kid more than ever, who is just so stupid and couldn't get over some...people.

Ok it may be the truth but seriously, I'm working on it.
Life has more important things now. :)
I just gonna make sure that last night it will be the last time I cry for her, that's it.

I'm gonna make the first move sooner or later.
Better sooner than later, cause it does no good to me at all.
And most importantly, I need to stop acting like a baby in front of people.
No more tears, no more crying.
Time for vulnerability has ended.

Seriously, I'll just need to get over it.
I promise myself there'll be no third time!!!
No more stupid stories.

I shall, from today onwards, do whatever I can to stop making people think I'm cry baby!!!! No more!!!!

Kidoworld 9

最近喝了好多酒……至少每个星期都在喝。
其实也不算太多，但对我而言，是非常多。

最近认识了一个朋友，一个超爱喝酒的朋友。
在我人生中，除了我的兄弟以外，我是第一次遇见这么爱喝酒，而又承认的人。
刚开始就只是因为她找不到朋友陪她喝，就找了我们。
就这样喝，喝，再喝。

我酒量不好，也喝不出酒有什么好喝，还是在喝。
也许生活最近多姿多彩了，有时候呆在家里觉得好奇怪。
更奇怪的是，我竟然会有这种想法。

以前喝了酒会睡得很好，现在也一样。
最不一样的是，现在第二天醒来，我会很精神。
是酒精作祟吗？那作用也太慢了吧？

虽然还不至于酒后乱性，还是觉得好奇怪。
然后看过了那么多人喝酒，真的相信酒真会让人乱性。
我相信我不会。
喝过就算。
喝了就呕，能怎么乱？哈哈！

Kidoworld 8

There are things in life, things you've known, things you've accepted, things you've understood about it, consequences, circumstances, causes...everything about it.

You knew about it so well, so well you think nothing would make a difference, nothing new would make the slightest change that you didn't expect.

And one day, you talked about it.
You talked about it so well, so fluently, so clearly, that you realize it is irreversible.
And you cried.
Tears kept falling down.
You just couldn't control it.
And you think you knew everything about it.
And you did.
When you think about it, you cried even worse.
You cry like a baby, you couldn't stop your tears, you couldn't stop the sob, there's nothing you can do, other than crying nonstop.

And you thought you knew everything about it.
Yet you cried.
The fact is, you couldn't get over it.
You're mature enough to think about it, you're mature enough to cope about it.

Sometimes life isn't about maturity.
You're in your twenties, and you cried like it's a matter of teenagers.
You cried in front of your friends, you cried in front of strangers, and you don't care.
The one thing you know at that moment, you're crying nonstop.
You don't care if everyone's looking at you.
You just cried nonstop.
The truth that hurts the most, you know no matter how hard you cry, things will always be the same, things will always be the way you know about it.
It's just that... The moment you speak it, it is irreversible, and you cry.

Kidoworld 7

从前的生活很简单，想法也很简单。
脑袋空空的，让我拥有一颗空荡荡的心，很容易地就笑了。

现在的生活，没有很苦，没什么不好，也没有什么一定要想的东西，但就是笑不出来了。
哭，也没有。
就空空的，一天一天地过。

如果不能让我恢复从前的“赤子之心”，请让我找到期待明天的目标！