Kidoworld 17

人家说，时间是最好的解药。
过了好久，还不能完全认同。

时间没有让我把她忘了，更没让我把她放下。
与其把责任推给时间，不如说，记性太差了。

只要一次，就能让一个人懂很多。
不是忘记了，只是习惯了。
习惯了寂寞，习惯了伤心，习惯了想念她，习惯了需要她。
寂寞了好久，伤心了好久，很想念，很需要。
时间久了，终于明白，再寂寞、再伤心、再想念、再需要，得不到，也就只是这样。
然后慢慢地习惯……终于，麻木了。

同一个故事说太多遍，任何人都会觉得闷。
所以时间久了，也不太提起。
然后，大家都以为忘记了。
就这样，大家都说时间是最好的解药。
其实，正好向反。时间，才是最残酷的毒药。

Kidoworld 15

今天突然在电话里发现了一个。。。东西。
我都忘了原来我做了这种事。
重复的看了几次,越看越不开心。
我竟然曾经放纵我自己,放任我自己。
好讨厌,好恨!

到底是怎么了?
难过不是一种借口。
玩更不是借口。
忘我也不能。
控制不到,更不可能。

我根本不喜欢这样玩,也不想这样玩。
原以为我只想玩。
但,不是这样玩。
我其实是很不喜欢的。

要解脱,要逃避,不应该是这样。
要忘记,应该有别的方法。
不可以这样。
会被讨厌。会被讨厌。会被讨厌。
好讨厌,好恨,好生气。。。好难过。

Kidolife 7

又去club了。
最近去得太密了！！
下个星期又喝喜酒……唉……
这种那么狂欢的生活，真不能想象我会过这种生活。

要玩火，玩一把我玩不起的火。
反正那种地方也是放肆的地方，不需要太介意。
最重要的只是，玩的开心。

我的生活应该是毫无意义，毫无目标。
每天为这种东西烦，幼稚！
好！
决定去进修！
要转移注意力。

工作开始要忙了，还真有点期待。
虽然我不介意浪费时间，但还是比较喜欢有东西做。
有东西做的时候，觉得自己比较有用。
我不可以做一个废人！

Kidoworld 14

不是已经走出去了吗？
不是已经不再回头了吗？
那个时候就已知道，两个人的差距只会越来越远。
最先看到那个改变的，不就是自己吗？
明白了改变的事实，那一刻，再三地告诉自己，她，变了。

不再是你熟悉的那个人。
不再是你认识的那个人。
也许有一天，会变成不再是你爱着的那个人。

那一天，真的来了。
她，变了。
我爱她，但她已不在了。
我爱着的人，我深爱的人，我爱过的人，在我面前的这个人，她，到底是谁。
我还爱着她，但是，她，不是这个人。

不是喜欢上了另一个人吗？
怎么会为了这一个，我深爱过的“她”，已经不在了的“她”……
我喜欢的另一个人，我喜欢的那个人，我喜欢的人，不应该是让我伤心的人。

Kidolife 6

Well, I just got my glasses.
It was ready two weeks ago, it's just that I haven't make up my mind.
Anyway, I got it now so laser will have to wait for another 2-3 years, minimum.

And there goes my money.
I'm looking alittle badass now...mmhmm...
Will definitely receive critics from people...cause even I myself couldn't get used to my look now...or should I say I'm too used to frameless glasses me.
Alittle headache now cause everything is so clear now==

That's all for the glasses.
Now I'm looking forward to go-kart.
Yay~

Saw something online that makes my mind go crazy, and I start to have some crazy thoughts.
Hopefully they'll go away soon.
My life is ok now.
Things are going just fine.
Could be better could be worse, if I take the risk.

What is life, without a little risk? :)

Kidolife 5

I'm so gonna be dead tonight. I'm glad I had a good week.

Had a car accident on friday night, which was supposed to be like...everything was just so fine that week. Everything went well, I was in a good mood, looking forward to what's coming up. Then...BAM!

So there goes my car. So sick.
So my mood was affected. But I'm still quite happy for the weekend.
Sleepovers, Genting...I had fun.
Those can cover up the sadness of my car crash, more than enough. :)

So I'm gonna tell my parents about the car crash later.
Wish me luck!

Kidolife 4

I went to get a new pair of glasses today.
My glasses have always been...not the most expensive ones, but not cheap either.
I don't change glasses often.
The one I'm having right now was bought more than 6 years ago, so I guess it is worth the money.
After 6 years of having frameless glasses, I decided to go for a change.
I guess the boss would wish that every customer is like me...in a certain way.
I spent lots of time choosing between 2 different pair of glasses.
After like about 1 hour, I got Carl Zeiss Lens + Tag Heuer frame.
Sounds pretty cool?
The price sounds even cooler.
Not for the fainted heart.
RM1750.
See?
For a pair of glasses.
Hope it'll be worth the money.
After a few hours which is now, I'm feeling a little regret...
That is indeed a little pricey for a pair of glasses...
I'm really sorry...==

I've spent alot of money these 2 years.
Work And Travel USA, Diving Course, new phone, new glasses...they costed like...80% of my degree course fee...SHIT!!!!
I don't know about others but that is quite alot of money to me...
For the first time I'm gonna say to my parents...I'm really sorry...==

Kidoworld 13

As an Actuarial Science student, we learn about making estimations based on past experience, to predict the future outcome, the worst scenario, and take precautions if it happens.

So I only had 1 past experience, I wonder how people make estimation based on just 1 past experience. The sample size isn't random enough, can not reflect anything. It did show the worst outcome, that I was totally down in it and spent lots of my time living in it, and might possibly continue to live with it, till who knows when.

Perhaps there's some traits.
Well of course I knew some of them myself.
Yet I'm quite surprised that people actually realize too.

If the possibility is not 0, anything can happen.
So, I will not doubt the possibility.
0.01% perhaps.
I hope it doesn't happen.

Human are greedy.
Everything starts out as a spark. We expect spark to just go off in a short while, so we don't have much hopes. When the spark turns into flame, we hope it'll burn, burn longer. We hope that the flame would go on and on and never go off. We hope that the flame will burn everything, keep things hot and passionate. But it didn't. It stopped after a while. The only thing that got burnt was ourselves.

Burnt wound don't always heal completely. Sometimes they leave scars, scars that will always be there. We couldn't make the scars dissappear, we can only hope for someone who sees it, and accepts it.

Kidolife 3

So, I went for a holiday, alone.
I went to Perhentian, where my friends are working there, and there's this beach, what not.
I took an Open Water course, and now I'm a certified Open Water Diver. :)
I have to admit that it was kinda lonely going alone, especially when diving, cause there's no one to share the things you saw in the water.
Guess that's the thing about being alone, there's just no one to share with, good or bad.
For the first time, I've gotta admit that I was feeling kinda lonely cause there's no one to talk to.
Other than that, all was well.
It was a really relaxing trip, all I do is just sleep, eat, dive...and repeat the same thing again.
Spent the nights sitting on the beach, listening to the waves.
It was cloudy so there's no star...maybe it's a good thing orelse I'm gonna spend forever on the beach..hahaha
Then I came back, alone, darker, and learned something new. :)
Last but not least, my dive instructor was kinda cute...:P

Kidoworld 12

最近有点觉得，生活很空洞。
其实一直以来的生活都是如此。
可以说是自由、无拘无束，也可以说是漫无目标、浑浑噩噩。

上个星期，差点发疯了。
觉得生活欠缺了一些事情，缺少了一些，追寻的目标。

也许我应该离开都市生活几天，冷静一下。
就很突然的请了几天假，安排了一个人的旅行。
明天晚上就出发，希望回来后我会对生活有所改观。

我们见面了，说了一些话。
感觉上还不错。
就这样慢慢的，或许真的会好一点。

还有，也许单身太久，有点忘了有人在身边是什么感觉……哈哈
单身也不是不好，但也是时候学习和人相处了？
不过就像某人说的，我要喜欢人，还真是不容易。
也没很挑阿？哈哈
总有一天，我会遇到我喜欢的，另一个人。^^

Kidoworld 11

"Everyone should move on.
Since she already did and you don't think she's the one, what's there to wait for?"
Quoted from a friend.

And I answered:
"I'm just waiting for someone to talk me out of it, or the time to come."

She might not be the first one to tell me that.
Perhaps she's the one, perhaps the time has come.
And I made my first step.

No one asked what my first step was, or is.
She did. She told me to smile.
I like how things are so simple and how she don't know about anything.

My first step would never have come so soon if it wasn't for her, perhaps.
So I thanked her.

I made my first step.
I hope that things will get better.

There's just this one last thing I wanted to ask.
Have I not moved on all these years?

Kidoworld 10

At this point I'm like...oh shit...why do I always have to tell people about my things...and why did I have to cry in front of someone i barely know??!!!
Not once but twice!! Damn it!
Now I look like a kid more than ever, who is just so stupid and couldn't get over some...people.

Ok it may be the truth but seriously, I'm working on it.
Life has more important things now. :)
I just gonna make sure that last night it will be the last time I cry for her, that's it.

I'm gonna make the first move sooner or later.
Better sooner than later, cause it does no good to me at all.
And most importantly, I need to stop acting like a baby in front of people.
No more tears, no more crying.
Time for vulnerability has ended.

Seriously, I'll just need to get over it.
I promise myself there'll be no third time!!!
No more stupid stories.

I shall, from today onwards, do whatever I can to stop making people think I'm cry baby!!!! No more!!!!

Kidoworld 9

最近喝了好多酒……至少每个星期都在喝。
其实也不算太多，但对我而言，是非常多。

最近认识了一个朋友，一个超爱喝酒的朋友。
在我人生中，除了我的兄弟以外，我是第一次遇见这么爱喝酒，而又承认的人。
刚开始就只是因为她找不到朋友陪她喝，就找了我们。
就这样喝，喝，再喝。

我酒量不好，也喝不出酒有什么好喝，还是在喝。
也许生活最近多姿多彩了，有时候呆在家里觉得好奇怪。
更奇怪的是，我竟然会有这种想法。

以前喝了酒会睡得很好，现在也一样。
最不一样的是，现在第二天醒来，我会很精神。
是酒精作祟吗？那作用也太慢了吧？

虽然还不至于酒后乱性，还是觉得好奇怪。
然后看过了那么多人喝酒，真的相信酒真会让人乱性。
我相信我不会。
喝过就算。
喝了就呕，能怎么乱？哈哈！

Kidoworld 8

There are things in life, things you've known, things you've accepted, things you've understood about it, consequences, circumstances, causes...everything about it.

You knew about it so well, so well you think nothing would make a difference, nothing new would make the slightest change that you didn't expect.

And one day, you talked about it.
You talked about it so well, so fluently, so clearly, that you realize it is irreversible.
And you cried.
Tears kept falling down.
You just couldn't control it.
And you think you knew everything about it.
And you did.
When you think about it, you cried even worse.
You cry like a baby, you couldn't stop your tears, you couldn't stop the sob, there's nothing you can do, other than crying nonstop.

And you thought you knew everything about it.
Yet you cried.
The fact is, you couldn't get over it.
You're mature enough to think about it, you're mature enough to cope about it.

Sometimes life isn't about maturity.
You're in your twenties, and you cried like it's a matter of teenagers.
You cried in front of your friends, you cried in front of strangers, and you don't care.
The one thing you know at that moment, you're crying nonstop.
You don't care if everyone's looking at you.
You just cried nonstop.
The truth that hurts the most, you know no matter how hard you cry, things will always be the same, things will always be the way you know about it.
It's just that... The moment you speak it, it is irreversible, and you cry.

Kidoworld 7

从前的生活很简单，想法也很简单。
脑袋空空的，让我拥有一颗空荡荡的心，很容易地就笑了。

现在的生活，没有很苦，没什么不好，也没有什么一定要想的东西，但就是笑不出来了。
哭，也没有。
就空空的，一天一天地过。

如果不能让我恢复从前的“赤子之心”，请让我找到期待明天的目标！

Kidoworld 6

Haven't heard a news since quite sometime ago.
Are you doing fine?

Listening to songs always reminds me of things.
And things don't come alone, they link.
Couldn't help but be amazed by how much I remembered what you said, and how I did not show that I actually heard them.
Everything that I remember, doesn't matter anymore.

How could I face someone that I loved, that I've been telling everyone that I love her, and never really showed her.
Virgo really sucks.
You did all you can, I did not.
I'm sorry.
I know it couldn't cure a thing, and you've moved on to a better life.

Just wanna say that I missed you, and you'll never know.

Kidolife 2

It's been 2 months since I started working. Everything was fine and I'm doing much better now.
Kinda glad to the fact that I came in during peak period, that I have really lotsa practice and learned quite alot.
After all those technical stuffs, it's time for some practical.
Things I'm currently doing requires judgement and decisions, I don't really like it though cause it made me see how fussy and troublesome people can be.
On the other hand, I like how I am able to have some discussion with my supervisor, even though my opinions may be incorrect...discussions make me feel like I've learn something and that is good enough.

A friend of mine hasn't been feeling very well for the past few days...get well soon!

Kidoworld 5

累了吗？
不累。
为什么？
爱。

真的爱吗？
真的。
为什么？
没有。

那一种爱，会不会是一种心结？
不会。
为什么？
我的爱，是放不开，是想不开，但仍旧是切切实实的爱。

如果我对你的爱，在这一刻，是心结，谁能来把这个节打开。
我相信没人能打开，因为这不是一个结。

Kidoworld 4

很多的第一次，是我早该做的，是我一直认为应该和你做的。
但是，太迟了。
我真的太迟了。

很多的第一次，以为都会和你一起，结果，我错了。
很庆幸，我们也真的有过了很多的第一次。

多么希望，那些第一次，会一直持续下去，永远都会，和你在一起。

Kidoworld 3

认识了你，让我学会好多事情。

认识你的时候，我学会了心跳加速。
喜欢上你的那一刻，我学会了温柔。
爱上你的那一刻，我学会了要怎么爱。
和你在一起，我学会了开心、兴奋。
和你在一起，我学会为别人做一些事。

然后，我们分开了。

你并没有教我该怎么把破碎的心黏回去。
你也没教我怎么把你忘记。

一次又一次，你恨恨的教会了我流泪、心碎、然后崩溃。
虽然一直重复着，还是很庆幸是你让我学会了这些事情。

最难过的是，为什么让我学会珍惜的，偏偏也是你？

Kidoworld 2

身为一个人，我所做的永远都不够好。
身为一个女儿，爸爸妈妈觉得我不够好。
身为一个妹妹，哥哥姐姐觉得我不够好。
身为一个学生，老师觉得我不够好。
身为一个情人，恋人觉得我不够好。
身为一个朋友，朋友觉得我不够好。
无论什么身份，都有人觉得我不够好。

到底“好”应该怎么定义？
到底“好”的定义是什么？
到底要做什么才能让人觉得“好”？
到底要怎么做才是“够好”？

为什么这样还是让人觉得不够好？
为什么做了那么多事还是不够好？
为什么就只有我不够好？
我真的不够好吗？
真的吗？
真的不够好？

我不够好，因为我不知道要怎么做才能算“好”。
就是因为我不够好，所以总是一个人。

有谁可以告诉我，该做什么才能达到你们心中的“好”？

Kidoworld 1

为你，我曾经做了很多事。
其中，傻傻的、开心的、过分的、盲目的、有目的的……还有很多很多，数不尽的事。

有人说，追一个人，是你在为他做一些事情时，希望得到回报，希望他会和你在一起，希望得到一些东西。

一开始，因为我要让你开心，我喜欢看见你开心，所以我对你很好。你开心，我也很开心。你难过，我不会难过。我不能让我自己难过，因为我要逗你开心。
什么时候开始，我为你做了一些事，总希望你会看到、明白，然后回到我身边。
然后，渐渐没有了那种感觉，那种希望得到的感觉。
一直到了现在，我还是偶尔会做出一些事情。
到底是为了什么而做？到底有什么期望？
想不通、想不到。

想。
只是想做哪些事，因为我的身体想那样做。
因为我的心想做。
我可以阻止我的身体不去做，但我不能阻止我的头脑不去想，更不能阻止我的心不要做。
我什么都不要，我只想可以随我的心去活。
我不在乎这样让自己变得任性，因为我知道我的心还不能适应没有你的生活。

意想不到

这是我开始工作后第二个星期。
到目前为止还算不错。
或许因为是小公司，没什么复杂的办公室政治，挺适合我的。
也或许是我的命，注定都会遇到很不错的人。
这还是开始而已……以后就都不知道了。

偶尔我在想，还好现在我身边没有人，要不然一定被我烦死。
还好我们少联络了呢，这样我就不会向你诉苦了。
之少我在你心中应该还有那少许完美的印象。
现在的我一点也不好。哈哈。

不可思议的是，有人问我，有没有觉得做错了选择。
我很坚定地回答没有！我从来没有觉得我做错了选择！
为什么会做错选择呢？
不值得爱？
爱的人不够好？
爱上不应该爱的人？
其实真的可以有好多问题。
我想问的只有一个问题：真的爱过吗？
答案只会是“有”或“没有”。
这潇洒对我来说，是洒脱还是累赘呢？哈哈

Kidolife 1

Here comes the first English post of the blog!!

It's been a really hectic 4th of June today. I couldn't even find the time to go for KFC. It's really terrible and some may say it has rescue me from the miserable I already suffered for so long. Anyhow, it's been a busy and maybe meaningful day.

Me and my friends went for a go-kart session and it was kinda fun. Now I know it's not that easy to be a F1 driver. We had this bet about the winner will win a pool of RM5 from each person. In the end, I won. Yay!

And you don't expect us to stop the night there. Clubbing would be the only night activity that we can think of. We never really considered about other options anyway. Hah! The same old stuff: drinking, shouting, dancing, and inhaling secondhand smoke.

Finally I'm home, the clock ticks 7 after the bath. Did I mention I hate baths? I really hate bathing!!!! Conclusion, no KFC today. :(

决定

距离我最后一次写部落格，已经过了很久一段时间。
我在考虑，应该开新的，还是公开这一个。
决定的因素，说到底，只有一个：感觉。
我在想，如果已经没有感觉，我就开一个新的，从新开始。
结论是，我还是有那么一点的……牵挂。
所以我决定，就用这一个。
或许会加上一些生活琐碎事，毕竟一直以来我写的，只有一个人。

分裂

有人问我，既然已经拒绝联系了，为什么还要帮忙？
我拒绝，不是因为不想再有任何关系。
我拒绝，不是因为要断绝所有关系。
我拒绝，不是因为我不想懂了。

我拒绝，在别人眼里，是多么果断的举动。
我拒绝，在别人眼里，是多么潇洒的举动。
我拒绝，在别人眼里，是多么懦弱的举动。

我拒绝，只因不想破坏我们仅有的关系。
我拒绝，只因不想承受可以避免的压力。
我拒绝，只想让自己明白没有了她，我依然得继续生活。

但是，在无可避免的机缘下，看见了她，并不是就要逃避。
看见了，我一定会帮。
知道了，我还是希望可以为她许愿。
听见了，我还是会祝福她。

我的心情很复杂。
爱情的疯狂让我的心分裂出很多感觉。
你，曾经，依然，是我很重要、很重要的人。

差

已经不记得，我们有多久没见面了。
在美国的我鼓起勇气，传了封简讯给你。
我以为我们之间那道墙已经变薄了。
是以前的我让你害怕了吗？
怎么你的文字变得冷酷了？
到底我做了什么事？
怎么我不记得了？

终于，我们见面了。
是我们太久没见面了吗？
你变漂亮了，变得更完美了。
我却变差了。

但是……
为什么你依然是那么冷淡？
是什么让你那样说？
为什么？

我知道你爱上了另一个人。
为什么你就不能理解我爱你的心情？
我没有要你爱我，为什么你要恨我、讨厌我呢？

矛盾

最近又好多，好多的事，都让我好矛盾。
我不知道自己到底是开心或是伤心。
我不知道自己是想要，还是需要。
我不知道自己是期待，还是害怕。

很多很多，我知道最近的我是在矛盾的心情中徘徊。
我以为自己知道自己要什么，不要什么。

手放开了，心里却还是耿耿于怀。
一切牵扯到你的事情，都让我不自觉地后退。
我以为我可以接受任何事情，而事实却是害怕的。
害怕自己会受到伤害，害怕自己再也站不起来……
尽管如此，还是想再来一次。
即使知道也许会受伤，还是想重来一次。
伤得更彻底，或许就会死心了。